If You Buy a Jaffa a Slipper, then He'll want
by Legato with vengeance
Summary: Teal'c takes Jack shopping, however it realy a diversion....


I've been turning over this story idea in my head for a while, but I had this first part in a dream I had last night so it reminded me to write this story. Also, Don't take it for granted that the title is entirely related to the plot.

Legato with vengeance

****

If You Buy A Jaffa Slippers, then He'll want…

"…" Jack O'Neill looked over at Teal'c as he shut his car door, walking away from the Airforce car in the parking lot to the mall. Of all the places, why'd Teal'c have to drag him to the mall? thought Jack. 

When they entered people looked a little nervous as Teal'c walked by with his black ski hat pulled down over the eye of Apopfis, looking like some kind of thug. "So, why exactly do you need me with you to buy whatever?" Jack asked as Teal'c started to wander a little obviously not sure about where to go.

"I do not know what the word for what they are is, Colonel O'Neill. Also, I am not familiar with your monetary system." Teal'c looked around searching for something.

"What are these things?" Jack felt the onset of frustration that he gets from spending more than two minuets in the mall.

"They are a type of foot wear, I saw them on the television. They were advertised as being far superior in comfort than normal foot wear." Teal spied the shoe section and dove in.

"… So, ah… what exactly do these thing look like? I gotta have more to go on than they're comfortable," Jack started to wonder whether this would have been a better assignment for Daniel, at least he had patience.

"I believe they are covered in a fur like a young chicken's down, but can come in many different colors," Teal'c continued to search the rows of tennis shoes.

"Ok…" then the little light went on inside of Jack's head, "You want slippers?"

"Is that what they are called, Colonel O'Neill?" Teal'c looked up from the Reebok section that he was looking at.

"Yeah, they're over here," Jack led Teal'c over to a rack that was covered in all kinds of slippers. "So, ah… what's your shoe size?" Jack browsed the section, looking for something around the size thirteen wide.

Teal'c pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and studied it carefully, "Daniel Jackson told me that I require a size ten and a half." The Jaffa scanned the sizes, with Jack's help but neither could find the right size, the closest being a size ten triple wide. "I do not believe they have the appropriate size, Colonel O'Neill."

"Yeah, I don't think so either, is there something else you want instead?" Jack looked around imagining what Teal'c could possibly want.

"Yes, there is," Teal'c looked around for a minute then headed off in a direction, stopping in front of a coffee machine display. "Does this machine not create the dark beverage that you often drink at the mission briefings?"

"Yeah…" Jack wasn't sure what to say, it just seemed too funny, Teal'c and a coffee machine.

"Then I shall purchase this equipment," Teal'c picked up a box and strode off to the cash register, Jack following close behind. 

Coming up the register Teal pulled a bill out of his wallet, "Colonel O'Neill, will this be enough?" Teal'c held out the fifty dollar bill to Jack.

"Yeah, but your going to get change back for it," Jack looked around nervously hopping that these people were used to seeing foreigners.

"What do you mean change, Colonel O'Neill?" 

"Uh…oh… the coffee machine is worth less that that bill is, so… ah… they're going to give you back the part of the bill that you didn't spend." Jack hoped this would resolve Teal'c's problems so he could just get out of there.

"That is good," Teal'c put the box on the table and handed the cashier the fifty dollar bill.

***

"So where exactly are you going to keep this thing?" Jack looked over at Teal'c as they descended with the final elevator. 

"I do not know yet, Colonel O'Neill," the doors slid open as people seemed to materialize of off the infrastructure of NORAD.

"Jack, Happy Birthday." Daniel came up to Jack shaking his hand, "So did Teal'c get you your birthday present?"

"I was not able to find the slippers you suggested that I get but I did find this machine," Teal'c showed Daniel the box then shoved it into Jacks arms. "I am not familiar with the customs on this planet, Colonel O'Neill, but I believe that I am to wish you a happy birthday."

"This isn't…" Jack blinked, "It _is_ my birthday!"

"That's right," Carter came over to where Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c were standing.

"So, the mastermind finally reveals herself," Jack said sarcastically, finally stepping out from between the elevator door which closed right after him the elevator zooming back up.

"Actually, this was…."

"Achem," Daniel butted in on Sam's line giving her a sideways glance.

"Well, you'll see. Anyway, let's head off to the gate room," Sam led the way, the rest of SG-1 following her.

"Don't tell me the Tok'ra are coming… 

"I'm going home." Jack turned on his heel preparing to walk back onto the elevator.

"It will not be the Tok'ra, Colonel O'Neill, it is the chief of the Azgaurds, Thor," Teal'c stopped Jack in his track for a few seconds.

"Like I said, see ya 'round," Jack waved over his shoulder then continued walking.

"Jack," Daniel ran out in front of him, "Ok, I know you don't want to deal with Thor or the Tok'ra right now. However, Thor said that there was something of life or death, _your_ life or death that he specifically needed to see you about on your fiftieth birthday."

"Fine, I'll talk with him. Happy?" Jack stormed back into the gate room finding Thor already sitting there. "Uh… Thor, long time no see," Jack carried on sarcastically. "So, what's thing all important fact that you've been hiding from me _now_?"

"Greetings, Jack, as I have told you before, there is an implanted system in you that prevents you from being successfully cloned." 

"Yeah…so what about it?" Jack could feel a lurching feeling in his stomach.

"Well, Jack, when we implanted this system in you bloodstream we knew it was going to be a potentially deadly situation. For instance, if we had put this system into a normal human like your friend, Doctor Jackson, over there it would surely kill him. Our only hope was that you were advanced enough to handle this implant, if not, today would be the day that it overcomes you. Therefore, I shall have to observe you for the remainder of this planet's sun cycle."

"So, I could die any time right now?" Jack felt overwhelmed for a moment.

"In theory, however since you have managed to survive for the majority of today, you will most likely live."

Jack decided to start ignoring the puny Azgaurd and find something else to focus his mind on. There were all sorts of things going on in the gate room. First, there was a punch table blocking the ramp to the gate with many people mulling in and out of the small crowd around the table. Also, there was a large banner draped across the gate that read, 'Happy 5-0 Jack' but not much else. Just then, General Hammond entered pushing a very large cart with a sheet cake about two and a half feet long, the star gate and the banner that was currently adorning its empty middle drawn in icing.

"Jack," General Hammond pulled the cart up to Jack, "All of the SGC, myself most of all, just wanted to show you a little of our appreciation for all that you've done for us. You've just done so much to help us and, well what better way to thank you than to throw a birthday party for you…. Go ahead and blow the candles out, Jack."

****

THE END

Jack suddenly snapped up out of his bed seeing something lurking in the shadows, "Is that you Thor? It's two in the morning, yesterday's over, that means the sun's completed its cycle."

"You are mistaken on which sun cycle I was referring to. I must observe you until the sunsets on the same point on the horizon as it did yesterday."

"You mean a year?" Jack looked around hoping to find something with which to clobber the little alien.

"Yes, however, as I have said, the most perilous time was yesterday."


End file.
